film review: Piranha 3D (2010)

Bouncing boobs and buckets of blood…

… that’s right, Piranha 3D is most definitely, and unashamedly…

… a B movie.

Then again, what were you expecting from a film about prehistoric killer fish?

Truth be told, there isn’t much to be said about Piranha 3D. It’s pretty much exactly what they promised. Between the fake website, the leaked set photos and the fact that it’s apparently used the most fake blood ever in a film, there was never another way Piranha 3D could go.

What surprised me though is that it’s actually pretty good. Not good like Snakes on a Plane, which actually had a plot and all, but good fun. This could have all gone horrible wrong. Lordi knows every time I think “How badly can you mess up a slasher flick?” I come across a film that proves exactly how big a mess can be made.

Fortunately, Piranha 3D has pretty much everything you want from this type of gorefest… Ridiculous deaths, miraculous escapes, plucky heroic acts, stupid cowardly selfish acts, hot girls, idiot men, dodgy techno, a floating penis… Alexandre Aja really crammed it all in there. Everything and the kitchen sink… Really, I wouldn’t be surprised if they only stopped at 80,000 gallons of fake blood because there wasn’t anything left down the fake blood bank. Personally, I could have done with slightly less boobage, I’m just not a big fan of staring at boobs, but I can appreciate how the film would have been diminished with less of them, so fair enough.

The thing I found most surprising about it was the quality of the support characters. I would have expected nothing but there were actually loads of people you’d know in this film, Richard Dreyfuss, Christopher Lloyd and Ving Rhames all made an appearance. Dina Meyer (Starship Trooopers), Ricardo Chavira (Desperate Housewives) and Adam Scott (who particularly stood out in the CSI and L&O episodes I’ve seen him in) may not be as well know but you’d certainly know them if you saw them.

I also want to make particular mention of Kelly Brook and Jerry O’Connell. Perfectly cast in their respective roles. I’ve always liked Jerry O’Connell, Stand By Me is one of my favourite films, he made Joe’s Apartment tolerable (no mean feat considering my morbid fear of cockroaches) and yes I’ll admit, I was a big fan of Sliders. As for Kelly, I presume this means that Ms. Brook has given up on the idea of having a real acting career? Ah well, at least she’s not doing crappy ads for breakfast biscuits with Johnny Vaughan. Shaking her tits in a Hollywood B movie is still 10 times better than that.

I suppose I have to throw a little criticism in here. It’s not perfect. There’s some stupid stuff in it, stupider than it should be… and I do think that Christopher Lloyd is criminally underused, though that might have been his choice. Also, there’s a few people I would have kept alive, it would have been nice to see them in the sequel. Given the critical response though I’m sure they’ll manage to rope in a few more names to fill their spaces.

Oh! Also, I’m still convinced that 3D films lately are much too dark. Would it really be that hard to turn the light up a bit? Maybe it is that hard but it’s still something they should work on. I, for one, am getting a bit sick of squinting at every dark scene in a 3D film. Avatar looked great so there’s no excuse. It seems like I wouldn’t be hard… just do it already! Of course, in the grand scheme of Piranha this was a fairly minor annoyance, I just though I’d mention it.

So the fact is, Piranha 3D is a triumph of its excess. I’m definitely looking forward to the sequel (presumably Piranha 3D 2?) and if you like a laugh and you’re not squeamish, I recommend you give Piranha 3D a look. Though not necessarily in 3D.

7.5/10